dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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