so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
