im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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