1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
