I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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