The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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