her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
