I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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