Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
