if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
