I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Are my feet made of real feet?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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