I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
