I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
