i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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