I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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