that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
