The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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