During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
