My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
