Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? đđ
You know itâs going to be a rough day when you scream âGet fuckedâ at your alarm clock
we went to go have morning sex and I said âI was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to showerâ#ruinedthemoment
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