she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
