I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
