Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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