I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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