Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
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Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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