Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
