just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
