Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
