she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
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I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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