It's Friday. Sex?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
