he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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