The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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