so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
