I CAN MOONWALK!
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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