How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
