I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
