Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You've changed since you got that strap on
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
