Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
