um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
