I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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