I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Randomize
