Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
