plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
