Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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