you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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