I should be sponsored by Trojan
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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