he thought i was a dude.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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