How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Randomize
