Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
