I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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