4 words: hood of his car
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
