can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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