I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
