hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
