How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
