Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We're too hungover to prance.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
