I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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