if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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