Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
