I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.