i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
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I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.